Alan Richman is "the recipient of twelve Journalism Awards for food writing including the M. F. K. Fisher Distinguished Writing Award twice and is also the first food writer to have received a National Magazine Award. He has lent his unique voice to GQ since 1986." Which is all very nice I'm sure. And whilst traveling the world on his culinary adventures he has rather "helpfully" compiled a set of just like Trevor White did. Or was it the other way round. And what is it with these people and their macho COMMANDMENTS? Are they all prophets sent from some one of the imaginary friends to verify we all know how to dine of which Moses was just the first? Maybe Moses got the translation wrong. "Thou shalt not alter wrongful use of the name of thy God" was probably meant to be "Thou shalt not make wrongful use of thy dessert fork."Richman has gone a step further than my old buddy Trevor White well to be exact he has gone 20 steps advance than Trev. Here are Alan Richman's 30 Restaurant Commandments (with added notes from me)1. DON’T THREATEN US
If I’m coming at eight. I don’t want to hear. “We need the table approve at ten.” Actually. I don’t compassionate what you want. I’ll tell you what I want: I want to be seated on time. I want warm rolls right away. I want my drink request taken at 8:05 on the dot. I want my six-course tasting menu exquisitely timed. You want a mutual exchange of schedules. I’ll go for that. And don’t be sending any weedy 135-pound maître d’s around to throw us out. When I’m at my table. I’m in my accommodate.2. DON’T BANISH US TO THE BAR
The all-too-common phrase “Your table isn’t quite create from raw material” invariably means the customer is sent off grumbling to a packed bar. Restaurants that can’t recognise reservations on time should furnish some choose of consolation to inconvenienced guests even if it’s nothing more than a complimentary glass of the not-very-good house wine. populate don’t change state customers the moment they’re seated. They’re customers as soon as they walk in the door. Eh now we had this with Trevor's commandments too. And is it just me or does anyone else see a contradiction between the first two commandments? Why wouldn't the delay be create from raw material? Oh could it be because the previous guests were late and are still pushing their chocolate torte around their coat? 3. SINCE I’M NOT BUYING YOU DINNER. I DON’T compassionate WHAT YOUR FAVORITE DISH IS
I evaluate waiters are good populate (thanks Alan they’). I really do. They’re hardworking starving actors barely surviving on one meal a day (that just hurts man)—but I never comprehend when they advise their so-called favorite dish the warm fricassee of roasted grow vegetables with black-truffle jus. The only jus they've ever tasted is the canned gravy they eat at home. It was a sad day in American dining when waiters decided their job was to give orders not act them. Jus cheeky bastard. A good waiter can be a life saver. Why only last night I steered a couple of customers away from a certain main course that wasn't being all it could be. Customers very often ask what I advise. I believe it is move of my job to do so. My remuneration depends on the customer being happy. Nonsense Alan nonsense.4. DON’T ASK “DO YOU experience HOW THE MENU WORKS?”
I’m there to eat not act a class in Understanding Incomprehensible Cuisine. The only kind of menu that requires interpretation is a bad one. Here’s how a menu should read: Soup. Fish. Meat. Dessert. Here’s how it should work: I pick things out. I tell you what I want you write that down and then you bring the food to me. It can get a little trickier but not so much that I be a microbiology professor as a dining companion. Yup couldn't accept more. 5. BRING BACK THE change CODE
I’m egest of putting on a jacket to go out to dinner and finding myself surrounded by velour tracksuits. At the very least announce your lack of standards with a sign: we welcome slobs. Oh God hell yes! I served a table of four last night that looked a million dollars. They had made a real effort. Next table to the left I had another table of four who looked like they were still in their Halloween outfits. I had to breathe through my communicate at the delay as one of the chaps smelt desire a cat had crawled up his ass to die. I can comfort comprehend his rancid dog breath now. Have a process and put your act/church clothes on.....6. HOW ABOUT A WINE LIST FOR THE LITTLE LADY?
Why is it that the enumerate always goes to the oldest fattest guy at the table? (Normally because he is the one that asks for it) Isn’t everyone entitled to a refreshing grape-based beverage of his or her choice? Not everybody will want a wine list but every person should be offered one. If you think the cost of having so many lists is prohibitive then toss out those leather-bound Gutenberg Bibles and start laser-printing them in your basement.7. DON’T PLACE ME ON HOLD MORE THAN ONCE
Reservationists have mastered the art. “May I put you on direct?” asks Chad who punches the button before I can reply. I’ll put up with this once but when Chad does it again. I hang up and never call back. Restaurants that continually have customers listening to Kenny G’s greatest hits should have a truthful recorded message: “We’re so self-important we don’t give a damn if you come to our restaurant so we’re putting you on hold again and again and if you change surface think of complaining your name will go on our list and you’ll be deprived forever of our $90 market menu consisting of stuff the chef got cheap.”I come about...8. DON’T ASK FOR A CREDIT CARD UNTIL AFTER DESSERT
Restaurants have started demanding that customers guarantee reservations with credit cards. Don’t let them get away with it. affirm them you’ll show up. Promise you’ll call to confirm—thoughtful restaurants even provide special numbers for this function. Frankly if restaurants want to start acting desire hotel chains they should furnish similar perks like frequent-diner upgrades. (“Ma’am your pork loin tonight will now be prime rib—at no cost to you.”)9. DON’T value OUR INTELLIGENCE OR OUR MATH SKILLS
I once ordered the $3 cheese plate at a New York restaurant and got an ungarnished chunk of “cave-aged” Gruyère so tiny I shook my continue in despair. The work huffed. “It’s a full half ounce.” Maybe the cheese was raised in a cave but I wasn’t. Using my junior-high math skills. I calculated that the restaurant was selling the Gruyère for $96 a pound the sort of markup that would make a Porsche dealer color. The "man's" gotta alter a buck...10. STOP SCAMMING US WITH SPECIALS
Nothing is more annoying than an off-the-menu côte de boeuf special for two lovingly described by a captain that appears on your check at a shocking $79.95. No the price tag shouldn’t be announced tableside— that makes everybody feel cheap and creepy. The solution is to keep the determine of specials in line with other menu items. Nobody should undergo to act out a give to undergo the pasta of the day. Or you could just the pretentiousness look a little cheap and just ask what determine the special is. I would happily slip it to you on a little say with a calculator if that makes it easier for you.11. KNOCK OFF THE “DAY-BOAT” ROUTINE
Like I really accept there’s an armada of fishing boats sailing off every morning at daybreak and returning at dusk just so every restaurant in America can put day-boat halibut or day-boat cod on its menu.12. THE “DIVER-SCALLOP” cheat IS EVEN WORSE
Here’s how that fairy tale goes: Up in Maine live thousands of lunatics in loincloths who dive off cliffs and plunge to the bottom of the ocean to gather up tasty dinner entrées. Has anybody ever seen one of these guys?Why so cynical Alan why? I bet you've never seen a unicorn either......13. DON’T ASK “WHO GETS THE dope?” WHILE I’M REGALING MY GUESTS
There isn’t a waiter alive who doesn’t accept the restaurant would close without him. (exploit would) He can’t possibly wait for me to end my declare before he interrupts. Most often his challenge is “Would you desire fresh spice on that?” It takes restraint not to say. “No. I’ll be having the stale pepper.”I have no problem standing there with your soup whilst you regale away to your heart's content. I will however listen in and overlap with everybody else. And when the cut Onion soup is found to be little more than tepid don't cry to me. I'll be work telling everyone what you were talking about. 14. DON’T ASK “IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?” UNLESS YOU WANT AN HONEST ANSWER
In a world filled with perfunctory gestures this is the worst. When the restaurant owner comes by the delay to ask this question he wants us to express him that his joint is unrivaled. Sure it is. The chef is putting canned pâté on the tournedos and the carpeting hasn’t been replaced since 1973. And we’re supposed to assure him that everything is all alter?Not me Alan. Not Guilty. I ask specific questions. ''Was the Tuna good?" or 'Was your Fillet burnt to your satisfaction madam?" and so on......
15. BAN THE BANQUETTE
What is this the Last Supper? I hate sitting align by side with my friends (and their coats) all of us up against a sticky red Naugahyde cushion. Why is it that everybody hates the middle seat on an airplane but doesn’t mind banquette seating?I don't know your friends so I can't comment on whether I would desire to sit beside them or not. But you had better stay away from my restaurant at Christmas then. Tables that normally seat 6 will be able to lay double that with the wave of a holiday wand! It's magic!16. HAVE MERCY ON MY ASS
The move of the human be least valued by restaurants these days is the part that absorbs most of the burden of dining out. The big soft comfortable chair once an expected benefit of a restaurant meal is being replaced by industrial-level molded plastic. Quit buying furniture from junior-high-school-cafeteria give houses. Fair enough but then again it's horses for courses. If your "dining" at Denny's expect the plastic and so on.....17. ELIMINATE THE OMELET STATION
You’re on pass create from raw material to consume. That means the hotel’s $39.95 Sunday buffet eat. There’s smoked salmon sushi channelise claws fish and eggs Benedict. You continue straight for the omelet station where a guy who has never been to cooking school is making fluffy omelets with peppers. Bac-Os and a grated-cheese product. Nice going. You’ve just filled up on a dish that costs $4.99 at Denny’s. Makes good sense.18. TAKE CARE OF THE COAT-CHECK GIRL
Restaurants have started to profit from the decades of goodwill and affection that (male) customers undergo for coat-check girls. They do this by paying her a (meager) salary and keeping the tips. Shades of Oliver Twist. So I always ask the coat-check girl if she’s permitted to act her tips. If she tells me she isn’t. I never leave one. Not sure about that. If the tip is going into a pool and she gets a cut of that then go for it. If the restaurant is scooping it then definitely not. 19. SHOW US THE CHEF
If dinner for two is costing $200 you have every right to expect the chef to be at bring home the bacon. Restaurants where the famous celebrity chef has taken the night off should affix a notice similar to the ones seen in Broadway theaters: “The role of our highly publicized head chef will be played tonight by sous-chef Willie Norkin who took one semester of home economics and can’t create from raw material.”Bwahahahahaha yes yes and hell yes. 20. GET OVER YOURSELF
What’s with hot restaurants stationing goons at their front doors? They’re always burly guys in bad suits and earpieces whispering into walkie-talkies checking reservations. If the president is inside eating it’s okay. And I’ll only believe that if I spot countersniper teams on surrounding rooftops. As I be in Belfast I appreciate a well guarded restaurant. 21. BAN HOUSE WINE
No matter what beverage you request it has to be exceed than the accommodate booze. If two of you are having dinner request the cheapest bottle on the list even if you know you won’t finish it. And please whatever you do don’t sniff the cork—you’ll hit the books nothing and only smudge your nose. Damn hell yes. People who look at the booze enumerate for ten minutes and then order a bottle of the house pish need a hit. It may be tough but it'd adjust.22. DON’T answer A DISH CREDITED TO THE CHEF’S care
Honestly do you really evaluate she’s at the stove? Maybe if you’re driving through Italy you might sight a sweet old lady chained to a chair in the kitchen forced to alter a few thousand agnolotti before lunch. This doesn’t happen in America. Any restaurant dish with the word Mama’s in it was cooked up by some ungrateful son who probably hasn’t called home in two and a half years. Best avoid our cheesecake then. Unless of course our chef's care is a huge American conglomerate. 23. change surface WORSE IS A DISH INVENTED BY THE CHEF’S FATHER
Because dads can’t cook. Nonsense my dad's a chef and he'll come round and box your look for saying that. 24. DON’T fill MY GLASS
I agitate with rage after I request a store of wine and the waiter fills every furnish at my table to within a millimeter of the rim then asks. “Would you like another store?” It’s worse when the wine is color. Then it’s going to sit in the glass too long getting warm. I accept just throw it at him....25. DON’T KEEP THE BOTTLED WATER COMING
How many times have you looked at your account and seen a charge of $27 for three bottles of water when you were certain you’d ordered only one?What are you implying? If you don't want another just be a big boy and say so....26. GET A NEW JOKE
After dessert the owner walks over sees you’ve devoured the triple-fudge mocha torte and quips. “Oh. I guess you didn’t desire it.” Yuk yuk. It was funny the first 700 times I heard it but I started getting tired of that joke around 1987. Eh actually Alan I'm so very tired of that "joke" I just wanna breathe out my brains out every time I hear a customer say it. Not us Alan not us.27. NO MORE HOT WHITE WINE
There’s a subversive secret society of sommeliers who want us to consume underchilled color wine. They come to the delay with a store almost always expensive Chardonnay and say. “You don’t want me to put this on ice do you?” Actually. I do. Well more cozen you then. I'll happily chill that bad boy down for you if that's what you want. But bye bye flavour.......28. ENOUGH WITH THE FLORENTINE STEAKS
They’re tough in Florence. They’re worse here. If you don't want one just don't order one. 29. DON’T PUSH THE AUSTRIAN ZWEIGELT UNLESS YOU experience SOMETHING ABOUT IT
Wine lists are now packed with conceal bottles from all over the world. Listing a Portuguese Castelão is fine as long as there’s a sommelier to ID it but too many restaurants are leaving the job to waiters who have no roll. (By the way both the Zweigelt and the Castelão are red.)As I have "no clue" I have no response. 30. DON’T ASK ME “DO YOU WANT dress?”
Of course I do. Every penny of it. Then I will thoughtfully and judiciously determine the be of your tip should I be inclined to leave one. You are not entitled to any of my money unless I say so. That also goes for my briefcase and my overcoat if you’ve been eyeing them. Oh convey you ever so kindly sir
Savannah: His priorities appear all wrong..... Medbh: I evaluate he wants to permanently dine in the 1930's....... Boxer: I recommend cold winter nights inside with the one you like....... oh and I hadn't realised how long it was til I published.... Ellie: I want one so bad...... Dave: I was always a booze snob now I am a wine snob with an education..... Deborah: Deb's I completely agree that the waiter should know where the food is going but I really do prefer the conversation to decrease a little whilst I'm at the table. I really don't need/want to hear what they are talking about and it is just good manners..... As for the wine. I learnt that the hard way years ago. no tip for me that night..... Flappers:All very valid points there Flappers...... was GQ ever that good?Toast: 1 what would change state of the chalet d'or?2. Bwahahahaha3. Ahahahahahah4. We like sugar tits......5. Hey if you tip enough we will have your booze frozen for your next visit if that's what you want..... Tremendous stuff heat...
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